


Elias (and Peter) Get Bullied Through Emails

by srm14250



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, I wrote this in a few hours, Martin is a baby, Peter too, elias doesn't deserve rights, elias gets bullied, email fic, idk where basira and daisy are, none of these are real tags, see if I care, uh oh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:20:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22377109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/srm14250/pseuds/srm14250
Summary: From: timothystoker@mag.eduSubject: RE: fuck youElias Bouchard? More like Elias DOUCHEchard.Got’em.
Comments: 17
Kudos: 165





	Elias (and Peter) Get Bullied Through Emails

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this very quickly because I was bored. It's not good but I had fun. Spoilers, I guess.

[ _ Found from the desktop computer in the Magnus Institute, London. _ ]

From:  [ friendlyneighborhoodspiderweb@gmail.com ](mailto:friendlyneighborhoodspiderweb@gmail.com)

Subject: the archivist

I somehow managed to find a twink who’s even dumber and shorter than you are. Have fun. 

From:  [ jonathansims@mag.edu ](mailto:jonathansims@mag.edu)

Subject: The Archives

I think I far underestimated the job of head archivist. Gertrude Robinson left the archives in a state of complete disrepair, and I fear it might take me the rest of my natural life to get everything into something resembling functional. 

Also, Tim keeps referring to a file about “ligma,” but whenever I ask him what ligma is, he just starts uncontrollably laughing before walking away.

From:  [ sashajames@mag.edu ](mailto:sashajames@mag.edu)

Subject: Jon Sims

I don’t think you will anyway, but please do not tell Jon what ligma is. Getting him to fall for that joke is the only joy Tim, Martin and I have here.

From:  [ martinblackwood@mag.edu ](mailto:martinblackwood@mag.edu)

Subject: Fire extinguishers

Elias,

Could we please get more fire extinguishers for the archives? I know you keep telling me I’m paranoid, but I can’t help but worry that Jane Prentis’s worms will get in somehow. I think the best way to get rid of them is COշ.

From:  [ timothystoker@mag.edu ](mailto:timothystoker@mag.edu)

Subject: fuck you

Hey boss. I have recently realized that, due to some bullshit paranormal eye magic or whatever, I can literally say anything I want to you, and you won’t fire me. I do hope you realize that I’ve been stockpiling insults for years, and I am very happy to start putting them into use.

First off, how does it feel to be shorter than jojo siwa, you fucking chode?

More to come.

From:  [ jonathansims@mag.edu ](mailto:jonathansims@mag.edu)

Subject: please

Elias, I don’t think I’m asking for that much. I just want to know like, maybe 30% of what’s going on? Why is everyone trying to kill me? Also, why do I randomly know the capital of Montana? I’m not even American. It makes crossword puzzles easier, but it is QUITE unnerving.

From:  [ clownfuckersannoymous@hotmaill.com ](mailto:clownfuckersannoymous@gmail.com)

Subject: Skin!

Elias! Can I Call You Elias? I Was Wondering If You Might Lend Me Some Archivist Skin Please! We’re Going To Kidnap Him Anyway If You Say No, But It Would Be Splendid If You Just Handed Him Over! Please Tell Your Archivist To Moisturize In The Meantime! He Looks Like An Absolute Crusty Mess! Has He Ever Heard Of Sleep? Thank You!

From:  [ timothystoker@mag.edu ](mailto:timothystoker@mag.edu)

Subject: RE: fuck you

Elias Bouchard? More like Elias DOUCHEchard. 

Got’em.

From:  [ jonathansims@mag.edu ](mailto:jonathansims@mag.edu)

Subject: What the hell?

Why didn’t you TELL anyone I got kidnapped? I know you knew. The least you could have done was tip off the police, or something. But instead you let me get kidnapped by a bunch of clowns? Who told me to moisturize?

From:  [ timothystoker@mag.edu ](mailto:timothystoker@mag.edu)

Subject: RE: fuck you

You fucking twink ass piece of shit I hate you.

From:  [ melanieking@mag.edu ](mailto:melanieking@mag.edu)

[this email has no subject]

Elias,

I really think you should have mentioned something about the whole “unable to quit” thing BEFORE you hired me, but it was not in the contract. I find this whole thing very unprofessional.

From:  [ clownfuckersannoymous@gmail.com ](mailto:clownfuckersannoymous@gmail.com)

Subject: The Unknowing!

Fuck You!

From:  [ oliver.banks@gmail.com ](mailto:oliver.banks@gmail.com)

Subject: Jonathan Sims

What the fuck is going on with that boy?

From:  [ martinblackwood@mag.edu ](mailto:martinblackwood@mag.edu)

[this email has no subject]

For the last time, Peter. I don’t know Elias’s computer password, and it isn’t my fault he won’t give it to you. I know you just want to download minecraft on his computer, but I’m pretty sure that’s WHY Elia’s won’t give you his password. He has told me multiple times, he doesn’t care HOW alone it makes you feel.

From:  [ jonathansims@mag.edu ](mailto:jonathansims@mag.edu)

Subject: Martin

Peter, Martin hasn’t offered to make anyone tea since I woke up from the coma. What the FUCK did you do to him?

From:  [ martinblackwood@mag.edu ](mailto:martinblackwood@mag.edu)

Subject: The Extinction

Yeah, Peter. The extinction sounds REALLY bad. We have to stop it. I guess I’ll just put all of my time and effort into that, and focus on absolutely nothing else at all. Good thing you’re here to help me stop it. I’m far too lonely to think about other people. In fact I haven’t spoken to anyone in weeks. You’re doing a really good job, Peter. We’re all so proud of you.

From:  [ jonathansims@mag.edu ](mailto:jonathansims@mag.edu)

[this email has no subject]

rip to peter lukas but I’m different


End file.
